The deathiversary of a loved one can be a painful day. Every day, every year, every anniversary is different. I can never really know how I'll feel until the time arrives.
Some have come and gone with less grief than others but this one has challenged me almost as much as the first. Maybe it's because "ten years" seems like such an important milestone or so very long that it is simply impossible to allow it to sneak by unnoticed.
These past ten years have been filled with a multitude of emotions, some I never even knew I was capable of. But years are not really how we measure time after a loss that touches us so deeply. It's more like my life was divided by that one defining moment into a "more innocent time where possibilities were endless" and then... life where "you're gone and you're not coming back."
I still struggle to make meaning out of something that is inherently irrational. It seems the irony of the human condition is to seek solace in answers to questions that can never be answered. My Buddhist Prof in University would remind me that my attachment is causing my suffering. I would likely remind him I have yet to become a good Buddhist.
I've grieved for 10 years now and know only that I will always miss you. Maybe that's just the way of things.
I remember you, I remember you were here. Memories come at random times and they bring me happiness which is, indeed, a consolation. I often think of our childhood and romanticize the innocence we shared.
But... nothing gold can stay.
