Letter to My Little Brother

Dear Chris

I never imagined that it would hurt so much to lose my little brother, but I think that's because I never imagined that I would have to lose my little brother. It's really not supposed to be that way. Little brothers are just always supposed to be there.

I thought we had more time... time to say all the things I thought I would eventually get around to saying.

Despite the usual sibling difficulties between us, I do have some wonderful memories of you and I growing up together, especially those times when it was just you and me in our own little world. Those were the times when you were the only other person who knew me.

Remember how we would wile weekend mornings away watching cartoons, how I would flush your "suckey" down the toilet, how I took that picture of you in my nightdress that mom made you wear (I never did show it to anyone - well, not very many anyways...)?

Remember when we were little how we would run, play and chase each other, tease, taunt and scream, just like all kids do...?

Remember when "You are my Sunshine" could make everything better?

Remember how, when you would get someone mad, you would run and hide behind me and say "MY Big Sister will get you!"? Do you remember how many people I had to "get"? I may have shown it outwardly as annoyance in those times, but really I was proud that you had such admiration of me and my strength. There are no words to describe my frustration that I couldn't protect you this one last time.

Over time, as we grew up through the years, you grew taller than I... much taller… and our lives diverged on separate paths, but always in my heart you were my little brother.

You will always be my little brother.

I feel sad, even angry, that you were taken from this world too soon. Before I could really learn who you were becoming, before you could live out your dreams, before you could have children of your own to play with the way you played with mine. I yearn for all the opportunities that now can never be.

I'm sorry for all the times we fought, and sorry for all the times we didn't.

You lived your life on the edge, full of adventure, and I know it wasn't always easy, but for you the freedom was thrilling. You weren't afraid to be real, to challenge, to bend the rules, and to make your own space where there was no room at all.

So many evils still wait to befall us all here, yet for you unkindness and wickedness will not prevail. I hope that you have found some peace, understanding, and a little bit of adventure, where ever you are.

So my Brother, although I would have preferred to see you standing here with us this day than write this letter for you, it has come time to say Goodbye. The mystery of life is indescribable, and the irony unmistakable. It breaks my heart to know that we have been separated by circumstances and forces so beyond our control. It makes it harder to let go, it's been hard to believe that this, this is all there is.