I made a mistake.
I tried to just label my griefs as finished instead of processing them. I jumped back into work. I focused on helping other people.
Pretty soon I was just going through the steps, one foot in the front of the other, even if my feet seemed made of lead.
I don't know if I can fully blame myself. I did want to be a good employee and I was grateful for the time my employer had given me to grieve and I felt like I needed to repay that by "getting over it" and appearing strong and dependable. I wanted to appear "self reliant," and resilient. I thought I could do it on my own. Because, increasingly, you guys keep leaving me on my own...
I forgot that there is no "getting over it."
Vikki's death hurt so much. It still hurts and I am afraid of what will happen if I let it all out too quickly. I wish she had told me that she was dying. I wouldn't have put off my plans to see her. I would have gone earlier. I would have held her hand as she left and kissed her gently.
I deserved that. But we all know how life isn't fair.
So it finally happened that I pushed too far into burnout and ignored some signs I shouldn't have, and I stopped taking care of myself and I started thinking about driving my car into trees on the way to work. I became a human puddle. One day I felt so afraid of leaving the house and I called the doctor and finally said something.
I'm also so very worried about Kate. She is also not doing well either and has access to far less supports than I do. I am afraid that she will die. I am afraid she won't survive such a hard loss of losing her twin. It is both anticipatory grief and extreme worry for her wellness. She's in pain too. Every time the phone rings I worry. If you get a chance to look in on her please do.
I hope you don't mind me writing in our blog here about all the many losses I have had in the past 5 years. I know this blog was always intended just for you and I, but I also never believed I would be left behind by so many. Too many. Sorry but I will be dragging you along in this grief journey and my therapist says that journaling is a good place to start, and it did help me with you, so here we are.
