One of Those Moments

Every once in a while I have a fleeting shock of sheer terror - where I think "It can't be true - he can't be dead" and I find my heart suddenly in my throat until the panic subsides. It lasts less than a second but long enough to make me wonder if that is how I really feel underneath it all and that my calm exterior is only a facade. Perhaps it is in moments that I am lost in a memory of you, when you seem real in my mind, that I don't think you are gone. But of course something then reminds me you are and then it happens.

I just had one of those moments. I wonder if other people go through this as well?

Six Years Later...

I still think about you, every day.

Miss you!

Wherever you are

Day 16 — A song that makes you cry

“Where Ever You Are”

I’ve hung a wish on ev’ry star

It hasn’t done much good so far

I can only dream of you

Wherever you are

I’ll hear you laugh

I’ll see you smile

I’ll be with you

Just for a while

But when the morning comes

And the sun begins to rise

I will lose you

Because it’s just a dream

When I open up my eyes

I will lose you

I used to believe in forever

But forever’s too good to be true

I’ve hung a wish on ev’ry star

It hasn’t done much good so far

I don’t know what else to do

Except to try to dream of you

And wonder if you’re dreaming too

Wherever you are

This song is from “Pooh’s Grand Adventure: The Search For Christopher Robin” released in 1997. I associate this with the death of Princess Diana, who died on August 31st of that year, but more recently the song has taken on new meaning for me.

This song illustrates how I feel about losing my little brother. With Pooh Bear’s words, there’s both a simple desperation of need and a more sobering realization that the situation is beyond his control even though he has literally done everything he thinks he can to affect the situation.

This song is full of childhood hope and I love the innocence of Pooh Bear. Wishing is what we do but when it doesn’t help he resorts to dreaming… the memories come easier in his dreams and he doesn’t feel so alone or abandoned - until he wakes up.

When he says “I used to believe in forever, but forever is too good to be true,” that’s the part that gets me every time. I feel bad that Pooh has to be faced with this loss of innocence and when he says (in such a defeated, exasperated voice) “I don’t know what else to do…” well, I know exactly how he feels.

I don’t know what else to do, except to try and dream of you…

Crossposted at ALLIE ON THE GO as part of the Tumblr 30 day challenge.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature’s first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

(by Robert Frost)