Monday, April 16, 2018

Not Lost, But Gone Before

You died 5000 days ago today, making today a special kind of deathiversary. I struggle to find the words to describe this moment in time. Therefore, tattoo. 

Monday, January 29, 2018

You Remind Me of Someone I Used to Know

I know it's my heart wishing to look upon him again, and my brain trying to recognize him in the shapes that I see... but every time I see Will Smith I am reminded of my brother. I'm not entirely sure why, but for me the similarity is striking. I love Will Smith for this (also, amazing actor).

Thursday, January 25, 2018

I'm having a moment...

I was re-reading the words that my brother wrote in the card he sent to his best friend just before he died and noticed something that I hadn't noticed before.

My brother had written "Seems my other friends were right in calling me "Isakawuarte" (benevolent, mischievous, amoral, cunning, sly, resourceful, antagonistic and sometimes destructive). Yes, of all things I have been called or named, I like Isakawuate and it's meaning best."

I kept reading that word, "Isakawuate," over and over again.

At first I was trying to figure out what the word was as I believe my brother was spelling it how he had heard it as I can't find the original word. But then I just kept looking at it like my brain was trying to tell me to look harder. And then I saw it.

I don't know if this was intended or not (and I'm not sure of the protocol to ask something like this) but my brother's best friend named their baby Isak. Isakawuate. Isak. Isakawuate. Isak.

I can't love this enough.

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

We All Have Sorrow

"I could not foresee this thing happening to you"
~ Paint it Black lyrics

There are no words to describe sibling loss. There's no fancy title for it. There are no ways taught to prepare for it. There aren't really any bereavement groups. Because it's not supposed to happen.

Losing a sibling is to lose a part of yourself - like your shadow - forever. You don't realize how much you are a part of them until they take it away with them, leaving you suddenly and permanently changed. A stranger to yourself.

It takes ages to understand who you are again, and the sorrow of who you once were never leaves you.

We never imagine saying goodbye to our siblings without the possibility of another hello. We don't recognize the moments that are to be the last moments until they actually were.

There is a type of subtle guilt that comes with living your life despite sibling loss; doing the things they never will. While trying to "carry on" you carry this with you, everywhere you go.

Lately I've been on a journey of rediscovery, learning about me and my place in my world. I've adventured across seven countries, meeting and reconnecting with family, exploring the places our parents grew up, mapping out family trees and checking stuff off the bucket list. I love it and yet every moment of it is tinged by a colour of something that can only be this subtle guilt; an abiding sorrow in knowing I am living and he is not.

I have been without my brother for 13 years. I don't always understand how time works, but I can confidently say that these 13 years are a new kind of forever. People talk about "closure," but that's not a real thing as much as it is a word used to define the limits of what is tolerated when it comes to how much visible, tangible grief is permitted.

Thirteen years is long enough to know that this is who I am, now. I'm ok. And I'm not. I'm not as brave as I was. There's a part of me that will always feel... alone.

We change as we age - different experiences and influences craft us into ever evolving (hopefully more kind and enlightened) versions of ourselves. I've become significantly different over the past 13 years. Would my brother even recognize me, would he even know me, if he were to suddenly appear right now? I can't ever know the truth of that, but I do know that no matter what, he would accept who I am and jump right into my battles regardless of how crazy. Because that's how it's supposed to be.

Friday, August 8, 2014

Stay gold, Ponyboy. Stay gold.

The deathiversary of a loved one can be a painful day. Every day, every year, every anniversary is different. I can never really know how I'll feel until the time arrives.

Some have come and gone with less grief than others but this one has challenged me almost as much as the first. Maybe it's because "ten years" seems like such an important milestone or so very long that it is simply impossible to allow it to sneak by unnoticed.

These past ten years have been filled with a multitude of emotions, some I never even knew I was capable of. But years are not really how we measure time after a loss that touches us so deeply. It's more like my life was divided by that one defining moment into a "more innocent time where possibilities were endless" and then... life where "you're gone and you're not coming back."

I still struggle to make meaning out of something that is inherently irrational. It seems the irony of the human condition is to seek solace in answers to questions that can never be answered. My Buddhist Prof in University would remind me that my attachment is causing my suffering. I would likely remind him I have yet to become a good Buddhist.

I've grieved for 10 years now and know only that I will always miss you. Maybe that's just the way of things.

I remember you, I remember you were here. Memories come at random times and they bring me happiness which is, indeed, a consolation. I often think of our childhood and romanticize the innocence we shared.

But... nothing gold can stay.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Some days events occur that shatter time a tiny little bit and allow us to see into the past... and today was one of those days. You've been haunting me a bit today.

I wish I could remember what it sounded like when you laughed when you were little.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Seven Years Already

Seven years you've been gone now, and it likely goes without saying that we still all miss you and think of you. Everyday.

It's funny how time passes and things become "normal." I know it's "normal" that you are not here anymore, during times that you should have been, but it doesn't mean it feels right. It's a process I guess, one of forced acceptance but with a sincere desire to do anything possible to change it while knowing there is nothing to be done. I think the only real word for it is "unfair."

Wesley graduated from High School - was accepted into three universities! Raven finished Grade 10 with Honours with Distinction! Geoff and Giselle had a baby boy, Isak. He's so lovely! I know you would love him. Duncan and I had our 7th wedding anniversary. All these things you should be here for to celebrate with us - and maybe since we hold you close in our hearts you are.

I don't know what else to do... Except to try to dream of you. And wonder if you're dreaming too... Wherever you are...

Monday, June 27, 2011

Peek A Boo

I totally see you in her more and more every day now. I guess there is something to be said for family resemblance! But I am struck by how much she looks like you at times. I think if I had ever dressed you up like a girl, this must be what you would have looked liked!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

There You Are...

I visited you yesterday... at Mom's house. Weird to sit next to you in a ceramic urn... knowing you are in it. I sure hope you like that urn.

Monday, September 20, 2010

A Part of You Dies....

When someone you love is killed.

I wish we had just one more chance to make it right again.

Monday, August 9, 2010

One of Those Moments

Every once in a while I have a fleeting shock of sheer terror - where I think "It can't be true - he can't be dead" and I find my heart suddenly in my throat until the panic subsides. It lasts less than a second but long enough to make me wonder if that is how I really feel underneath it all and that my calm exterior is only a facade. Perhaps it is in moments that I am lost in a memory of you, when you seem real in my mind, that I don't think you are gone. But of course something then reminds me you are and then it happens.

I just had one of those moments. I wonder if other people go through this as well?

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Six Years Later...

I still think about you, every day.

Miss you!

Wherever you are

Day 16 — A song that makes you cry

I’ve hung a wish on ev’ry star
It hasn’t done much good so far
I can only dream of you
Wherever you are

I’ll hear you laugh
I’ll see you smile
I’ll be with you
Just for a while

But when the morning comes
And the sun begins to rise
I will lose you
Because it’s just a dream
When I open up my eyes
I will lose you

I used to believe in forever
But forever’s too good to be true

I’ve hung a wish on ev’ry star
It hasn’t done much good so far
I don’t know what else to do
Except to try to dream of you
And wonder if you’re dreaming too
Wherever you are

This song is from “Pooh’s Grand Adventure: The Search For Christopher Robin” released in 1997. I associate this with the death of Princess Diana, who died on August 31st of that year, but more recently the song has taken on new meaning for me.

This song illustrates how I feel about losing my little brother. With Pooh Bear’s words, there’s both a simple desperation of need and a more sobering realization that the situation is beyond his control even though he has literally done everything he thinks he can to affect the situation.

This song is full of childhood hope and I love the innocence of Pooh Bear. Wishing is what we do but when it doesn’t help he resorts to dreaming… the memories come easier in his dreams and he doesn’t feel so alone or abandoned - until he wakes up.

When he says “I used to believe in forever, but forever is too good to be true,” that’s the part that gets me every time. I feel bad that Pooh has to be faced with this loss of innocence and when he says (in such a defeated, exasperated voice) “I don’t know what else to do…” well, I know exactly how he feels.

I don’t know what else to do, except to try and dream of you…

Crossposted at ALLIE ON THE GO as part of the Tumblr 30 day challenge.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature’s first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

(by Robert Frost)

Saturday, July 17, 2010

It Wasn't My Fault, Honest

Today is my brother's birthday. He would be turning 36 if he were still alive today.

Through no fault of his own my brother was born on my Uncle's birthday, which for the sake of ease became kind of a "family birthday." This meant my brother had to share his birthday every year. When I was pregnant with with Wesley our Uncle died unexpectedly and my brother realized that meant his birthday that year - his 19th birthday (which in BC is a big deal) - would be his day and he was really looking forward to the attention and festivities.

As I got closer to and then passed my due date (July 7) my brother became increasingly anxious, broody even. He was somewhat buoyed by the knowledge I would be induced before his birthday but even so the last thing he said to me before I left for the hospital that day was...

Don't you DARE have that baby on my birthday!

Well, I honestly tried very hard to give birth to Wesley as soon as I could, but it was not meant to be. Wesley entered the world exactly 1 hour and 58 minutes into my brother's coveted 19th birthday. He never said anything about it but I know that the birth of the first grandchild of the family eclipsed him on his day and every birthday there after. He grew to adore his nephew and I'm sure there was no need in his mind to forgive Wesley for stealing his birthday because if there was any fault to be had it was mine.

Happy Birthday Chris. It really wasn't my fault!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

I See You

The expression on Raven's face in this picture is totally you. Raven has a lot of your mannerisms and often, for a fleeting moment in time, I see you there in her face.

It shocks me a little bit at first, but I like the experience of recognition and it brings back the memory of you. Alive is afoot!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Just the way you like it...

Some mail came today, addressed to "The Estate of the Late Christopher Perkins." I looked at it for a bit not being able to imagine what it could be. I was a little stunned by this insertion of you in my day - not that I don't think about you often, just not quite like this.

I opened it to discover that in April 2004, 4 months before you died, for some reason (most likely your perpetual lack of a stable address) Revenue Canada was unable to deliver your GST cheque to you and it was returned to them. So now (six years later) it belongs to your Estate.

I thought about what you might want me to do with it (once you got over the initial disappointment of not spending it yourself) and I think that I know. It's just about enough money to take us out to dinner to celebrate Wesley's graduation from his basic training - I know you would be so proud of him and if you were here you'd do it yourself. So that's what we are going to do with your money, we'll go out to dinner to toast Wes's graduation, sit as a family and remember you. And of course we will order you a cup of tea and put an enormous amount of sugar in it, just the way you like it.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Saturday, August 8, 2009

I Still Miss You...

Missing you in life has almost become normal. I say that and think it sounds weird but it's almost like you have gone far away and I can't communicate with you but there still is a spot/place in my life for you where you fit in. A brother shaped hole in the universe. Memories where you once have been. When I think of you it's like you are still here - and in a way you are.

Friday, August 8, 2008

I Hope You Can Hear Me

I miss you...
I miss you so bad
I don't forget you, Oh it's so sad
I hope you can hear me
because I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away
Was the day that I found
It won't be the same

I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't ooooooooooooh
I hope you can hear me
Cause I remember it clearly


I've had my wake up, Won't you wake up
I keep asking why, And I can't take it
It wasn't fake, it happened - you passed by

Now you're gone, Now you're gone
There you go, There you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you're gone, Now you're gone
There you go, There you go
Somewhere you're not coming back


I miss you...

-Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Missing Uncle Chris

Yesterday my son said "Momma, I miss Uncle Chris."

How can words like that not tear at your heart?

I tried to help him remember the last time he saw my brother, but he was only ten so the memories come harder for him. I remind him of a few special times with Uncle Chris and he smiles. I know he misses him because my brother's picture disappeared into his room last year.

I would have liked for my brother to be a part of my son's teenhood - he really did enjoy playing with my son as a child. I imagine they would have had many adventures together and talked about boy-stuff that its not cool to talk about with your parents.

I miss him too.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

But Possibly the Worlds Worst Daughter

Life made me an only child

I still haven't called my Mom yet to say Happy Mother's Day.

I am dragging my feet this year more than usual. I know I need too, and I even want too, but today is a painful reminder that I am the only one left to call her to wish her well on this day. I am sure it is the same for her and I hate the thought of making her feel that way, of having a conversation where we both pretend that everything is ok when we both know what is missing from this day.

Happy Mother's Day Mom. From the both of us.

Cross-posted at Summer's Daydreams as part of a series that also included I'm the Worlds Best Mom.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Tuesday, August 8, 2006

Just a Thought Away

Chris giving Wes a "Horsey Ride"


A poem I saw somewhere had the lines "It's memory's lovely garden that soothes the hurting heart." I guess it's true - two years after my brother's death I smile more at the memories and thoughts of him than not.

In some respects it is hard to believe it has been two years without him. And in others it seems like a lifetime.

Cross-posted at Summer's Daydreams

Monday, August 8, 2005

Nothing Gold Can Stay...

Chris Perkins 1974 - 2004

There are a lot of different kinds of moments to be found in 365 days. Today contains the moments known as the first anniversary of my brother’s death.

Now there are the times in life when I want to tell him something, but I can't; when I'd do anything to hear his voice, but nothing works; when I remember something funny he did, yet he's not here to tease about it... or there's the times I see someone who looks so much like him that my heart stops and I can’t breathe. I can’t help myself, but I still entertain the childish hope that it was all some crazy mistake, a case of mistaken identity, and that one day I am going to get a phone call, or an email, or I really am going to see him on the street with that "Surprise I’m here" smile of his (my brother would often drop out of life only to reappear when you least expected him to).

Actually, there hasn't been a day since Chris died that I haven’t thought about him in some way. His death, like non other I’ve experienced, has affected me in profoundly deep ways: it was so unfair; he was too young: he deserved more than to die in such a senseless manner and place; I couldn’t protect him. I feel as if he was stolen from me and I can’t describe the anger and the pain that accompanies something like that.

He adored me; he was my first love, my first friend, my first enemy, my first charge. My little, baby brother that was born, I was sure, just as a gift for me. The relationship between siblings is a unique one and we were supposed to have our whole lives to explore it.

But never less, one year ago today, someone named Christopher Braden Robinson from Edson Alberta killed my brother.

And he has never even said he was sorry.

Monday, November 29, 2004

Life is irony

So my brother was not always compelled to take care of himself financially (he got better with this as he grew up) and I used to joke with my parents that they were not to leave him to me in their will.

Here I am typing my Mom's will and I have been left my brother's remains, if they have not already been scattered upon my Mother's death.

The irony of that is a little sharp right now.

Cross-posted at Summer's Daydreams

Saturday, September 4, 2004

My Brother's Last Words

A couple of months before he was killed my brother packaged up a box of his important stuff (mainly pictures and keepsakes) and sent it to his best friend, Geoff, with a card and letter attached.

I doubt he had a premonition about his impending death, especially given it's sudden accidental nature, but he did manage to achieve what many of us are left to regret in the end, not saying what you really need or want to say to those you care about. My brother reached out and touched one person that meant the world to him, and he was lucky enough to do it in time. Here is what he wrote:

My Friend,

It would bring me great joy to have this letter find you well. You may indeed find my card to you puzzling to say the least, although I am in full confidence that you will get the meaning in the words and title, for my friend, my brother from another mother as it were.

Anyhow as odd as it may seem your Mother and Father both had a hand in raising me and I have come to think of you more of a brother than my friend!

As it is in all my new knowledge, friends and people I know seem superfluvious in the shadow of the man I would call the only friend I have and the only man I think of and miss more than a good woman.

I know the hour of this card is late, for sure you have more questions then I have the answers to. There has been much afoot in these many months since I have seen you and I am sure more in the past years since I had left that I have let on. Although and to be sure I now know the true meaning of pain, among other emotions. Seems my other friends were right in calling me "Isakawuarte" (benevolent, mischievious, amoral, cunning, sly, resourceful, antagonistic and sometimes destructive). Yes, of all things I have been called or named, I like Isakawuate and it's meaning best.

I digress - and somethings are better said in council of friends with the aid of Ale!

The contents of the box are just some personal affects and in no way dangerous or illegal but I do ask it remain closed for now. Please keep it safe as I shall follow it home.

I hope you could read this, it seems my spoken word still is better than my written. Anyhow, and without further adieu, I shall see you soon my friend, my brother, may your home be filled with Laughter and joy.


Cross-posted at Summer's Daydreams

Friday, August 27, 2004

Letter to My Little Brother

Dear Chris

I never imagined that it would hurt so much to lose my little brother, but I think that's because I never imagined that I would have to lose my little brother. It's really not supposed to be that way. Little brothers are just always supposed to be there.

I thought we had more time... time to say all the things I thought I would eventually get around to saying.

Despite the usual sibling difficulties between us, I do have some wonderful memories of you and I growing up together, especially those times when it was just you and me in our own little world. Those were the times when you were the only other person who knew me.

Remember how we would wile weekend mornings away watching cartoons, how I would flush your "suckey" down the toilet, how I took that picture of you in my nightdress that mom made you wear (I never did show it to anyone - well, not very many anyways...)?

Remember when we were little how we would run, play and chase each other, tease, taunt and scream, just like all kids do...?

Remember when "You are my Sunshine" could make everything better?

Remember how, when you would get someone mad, you would run and hide behind me and say "MY Big Sister will get you!"? Do you remember how many people I had to "get"? I may have shown it outwardly as annoyance in those times, but really I was proud that you had such admiration of me and my strength. There are no words to describe my frustration that I couldn't protect you this one last time.

Over time, as we grew up through the years, you grew taller than I... much taller… and our lives diverged on separate paths, but always in my heart you were my little brother.

You will always be my little brother.

I feel sad, even angry, that you were taken from this world too soon. Before I could really learn who you were becoming, before you could live out your dreams, before you could have children of your own to play with the way you played with mine. I yearn for all the opportunities that now can never be.

I'm sorry for all the times we fought, and sorry for all the times we didn't.

You lived your life on the edge, full of adventure, and I know it wasn't always easy, but for you the freedom was thrilling. You weren't afraid to be real, to challenge, to bend the rules, and to make your own space where there was no room at all.

So many evils still wait to befall us all here, yet for you unkindness and wickedness will not prevail. I hope that you have found some peace, understanding, and a little bit of adventure, where ever you are.

So my Brother, although I would have preferred to see you standing here with us this day than write this letter for you, it has come time to say Goodbye. The mystery of life is indescribable, and the irony unmistakable. It breaks my heart to know that we have been separated by circumstances and forces so beyond our control. It makes it harder to let go, it's been hard to believe that this, this is all there is.

When people ask how many siblings I have, I will still always say, "One."

Tribute to My Best Friend

Chris and Geoff

(Written by Chris's Best Friend, Geoff Reimer of Nanaimo, BC, and read at the Funeral)

Chris was & will always be my life long friend.

Such friends are very hard to come by, so I am really going to miss him. I feel like a huge part of my heart was taken away when Chris was taken from us. But in a way I feel that Chris is at peace now. I'm sure he's upstairs arguing with his Dad right now!

Chris was, at times, a little lost in life, but he was making his way back to the Island, the place he loved. I know that he had plans of starting over & I was very much looking forward to that.

I think about having the chance to sit down and have a cool one with him, and talk about all of the good times we had together. I'll never forget the time our friend Steve & I rented some scooters and arrived at Chris' house. He jumped on one and drove it in the house, up and down the hallway.

Chris loved to live life on the wild side. He & I spent many a day jumping ferry waves in my little aluminum boat, or repelling off of cliffs… anything to get your heart racing. Or, we'd just play video games for hours on end.

There are endless stories of our adventures together, but it is now time to say good-bye...

Chris, you will always be in my heart, and I will always miss you.

Good Night Sweetheart, Good Night

R.I.P. Christopher John Perkins

Sleep will banish sorrow.
Tears and parting may make us forlorn,
But with the dawn a new day is born, 
So I'll say Good night, sweetheart, 
Tho' I'm not beside you, Good night, sweetheart, 
Still my love will guide you
Dreams enfold you, in each one I'll hold you,

Good night, sweetheart, good night.

Chris's memorial went well today. It was comforting to see and hear the many things that those that knew him remembered most about him. I enjoyed hearing their kind words and came away knowing my brother a little more than I did before.

I especially want to thank the people who helped me pull it together; Duncan, who graciously did the introduction and summation, Geoff (my brother's best friend) who said the Eulogy in a truly touching and heartwarming manner, Wesley (my son) who read one of my favourite poems; and Nikki (my long time friend who declared "I knew Chris when he was melting GI Joe guys") gave out the flowers bulbs we gave away in remembrance. It was a nice (and quick) ceremony and I was happy to see everyone again, albeit next time I hope it to be under different circumstances...

Monday, August 23, 2004

Life is just what happens to you while you're busy making other plans

Out on the ocean, ship sailing away
I can hardly wait To see you come of age
But I guess we'll just have to be patient
Cause it's a long way to go, a hard row to hoe
Yes it's a long way to go, but in the meantime,

Before you cross the street, take my hand,
Life is just what happens to you
while you're busy making other plans,

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Boy.

cross-posted at Summer's Daydreams

Friday, August 20, 2004

OBITUARY - Chris Perkins

PERKINS: Suddenly, on Sunday, April 8th 2004, Christopher John Perkins of Vancouver, B.C. was killed in a car accident on the Lion's Gate Bridge at the age of 30 years old. He will be lovingly remembered by his mother, Sandie Perkins, his sister, Allie (Duncan) Wojtaszek, his niece and nephew Raven and Wesley, and his best friend Geoff Reimer. Chris was recently predeceased by his father, Reg Perkins, who died in May. Friends and family will be received at a Memorial Service to be held on August 27th 2004 in Aldergrove, British Columbia at 11:00 a.m. Personal Alternative Funeral Home Chapel, 3070 - 275A Street, Aldergrove, British Columbia, V4W 3L4. In lieu of flowers, please consider contributions in Chris's memory to Scouts Canada, 1345 Baseline Road, Ottawa, Ontario, K2C 0A7 or online at

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Thought of the Day

Everyone says "Sorry you lost your brother," or (like on the radio) "Allie Wojtaszek recently lost her brother in a motor vehicle accident." I know they are trying to be delicate and mean well...

But, I didn't "lose" my brother. Somebody killed him. He didn't just die, he was killed. Because of the poor choices somebody made while they were driving. If more people thought about it like this then maybe there would be less fatal accidents.

You look for lost people. I know exactly where my brother is.

Cross-posted at Summer's Daydreams

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Recently I have been trying to take just one day at a time...

But today it seems that several of them stuck up and hit me all at once. What a long day I had today. I feel like I was on the phone forever; I'm tired and I have a headache. But hopefully by tomorrow evening I will be able to declare that my brother's arrangements are in place and that we have a memorial to go to.

Duncan brought me back a box of photo's from my Mom when he was in Calgary that I just finished scanning and making picture disks for people. Interestingly enough, one of those pictures was a cute little picture of my brother wearing my frilly nightgown on Christmas morning when he was six. This picture was often the source of embarrassment for him, which ofcourse (being a fine and upstanding sister) I capitalized on as much as possible. When I first scanned this picture in, the file showed up blank. It was just a white picture. That made me smile. I figured if my brother really didn't want me to include that picture on his photodisk then the same would be repeated when I scanned it the second time as well (then that really would constitute a sign).

Isn't that cute? I almost forgot he was also wearing my pink housecoat. He would so kick my ass if he was here...

Sunday, August 15, 2004

On the edge of something much too deep...

Remember all the good times that we had
Let them slip away from us when things got bad
Clearly I first saw you, smiling in the sun
I want to feel your warmth upon me,
I want to be the one

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I'm so tired,I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much
but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, we can't be heard

I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose...

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

Sarah McLachlan

Cross-posted at Summer's Daydreams

Saturday, August 14, 2004

Only Time...

Who can say where the road goes,
Where the day flows?
Only time...

And who can say if your love grows,
As your heart chose?
Only time...

Who can say why your heart sighs,
As your love flies?
Only time...

And who can say why your heart cries,
When your love dies?
Only time...

Who can say when the roads meet,
That love might be,
In your heart.

And who can say when the day sleeps,
If the night keeps all your heart?
Night keeps all your heart...


Cross-posted at Summer's Daydreams

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Today, 1978 seems so long ago.

Nana and Poppy at Chris's Naming ceremony

Letter to the Editor

Brother's traffic death illustrates need to focus on safety
World Health Organisation designates road safety as a global public health issue

Published in: The Edmonton Journal, Vancouver Sun, The Province

My brother, Chris Perkins, was killed on the Lion's Gate Bridge in Vancouver on Aug. 8.

He was trying to direct cars around a stalled vehicle that was blocking traffic over the bridge. He was hit by a vehicle from behind, thrown more than three metres, and killed instantly. He had just turned 30 years old.

This year the World Health Organization designated road safety as a global public health issue, stating that road traffic deaths ranked second only to HIV/AIDS in leading causes of death for people aged one to 44. Each year, many more than a million people are killed on roads, and 50 million more are injured in some way.

It does seem to be an unavoidable fact that accidents happen, but by their very nature they are almost always preventable. Admittedly, few drivers set out to kill anyone, but this detail rarely eases the pain of the road bereaved.

The reality is that road safety is not an accident. It is up to each one of us to take the actions necessary to limit traffic-related injuries and fatalities, regardless of how we are using the roadway.

Slow down. Speed is a factor in many road accidents, and it can turn any situation into a fatal one in just a few seconds.

Look where you're going. When driving, maintain an accurate perception of what is going on around you so you always have time to react appropriately.

Be considerate of other road users, and try to keep a safe zone in mind when passing an emergency situation on the road. You never know when someone is going to be suddenly in front of you.

And for pedestrians; remember, the only thing that can stop a car is the driver. Be careful of how much trust with which you step out onto a road. You never know when or how that driver might be distracted. Some mistakes can't be fixed.

My brother was somebody important and, like everyone else, he had dreams and a life to live, a life that ended much too soon. I only had one brother. Please slow down.

Allie Wojtaszek, Edmonton

Monday, August 9, 2004

How is it that a life can be reduced to this?

(link broken/archived)

It's weird when you spend your time reading about other people's misfortunes in the news to suddenly be faced with seeing your own with such candidacy. For everyone looking at this story, that's just a body of someone they didn't know, someone who tried to help, who tried to do what was right as they saw fit, someone they are easily distanced from, or worse yet, just another headline. It's odd to try to see this from that point of view.

For me, that's my baby brother under that blanket. His name is Chris Perkins and he turned 30 in July. That's the last image I will ever see of him. Sometimes life really bites you in the ass. This has been a really bad year for that.

Cross-posted on Summer's Daydreams

Sunday, August 8, 2004

Key Words

I've started this blog as a place to remember my little brother, Chris Perkins, who was born on a sunny July day in 1974 in the Vancouver General Hospital. Chris lived a life full of fun and adventure until 30 years later when his life would be cut short in a careless, preventable accident on the Lion's Gate Bridge.

Many people miss Chris, and many still look for him. I have no other way then the internet to get the sad news to them, I hope that they forgive me if they are discovering it for the first time now, in this way.

The keywords were meant for you to find this place, so please feel free to explore. You can go to the most recent blog entry here and work backwards, or start at the beginning of the story here.

If you have something you want to contribute or say, please leave a comment with an email address and I will get back to you.

Deas Gu Cath.

Christopher, Chris, John, Perkins, Nanaimo, Vancouver, Calgary, Abbotsford, Vancouver Island, British Columbia, Alberta, Mt. Benson Elementary, Wellington High School, Boy Scouts, C Scot R, 2422, Canadian Scottish Regiment, B Coy, Geoff Reimer, Allison, Allie, Smyth, Wojtaszek, Reg, Reginald, Sandie, accident, August 08 2004, Aug, car, Lions Gate Bridge, passenger, van, killed, died, "Christopher Braden Robinson," Edson, sibling-loss, grief