Moulded by the Darkness

Why do I always feel so much more alone and sad at night? 

So, what the F*ck am I doing?

 Honest question from husband this morning. 

I was, to be fair, still in bed hitting the snooze button every ten minutes for about an hour and a half. I wasn't asleep, I was using the snooze so I would stay aware of the passing of time... something I don't have a great grasp on when I do have all my faculties about me. Lately it's been worse. I mean, of course it's been worse, I am learning time is one of the first things you lose in a nervous breakdown.

I understand this is what happened to me in October, and it stole two months of my life where I was just as helpless as a stupid baby. I couldn't get out of bed. I had stopped doing laundry who knows when (sometime in the summer), and stuff around the house was piling up too. I basically stayed in bed for those two months, and barely remember them. I did emerge at Christmas time and for the hours my darling babies were all here under my roof again I finally felt... calm? Safe? Happy? I'm not sure what exactly, to be fair, I was feeling. My therapist and I talked about how, with everything that has happened to me in my life, and all my losses, that I am terrified I will lose my babies too. So when they are here with me and I know they are safe, my nervous system finally takes a break from hypervigilance and being terrified that they are in danger. A brief reprieve.

Feeling anything or nothing at all has been the primary theme of my nervous breakdown. I've gone from not feeling even hunger, to not being able to breath because my body just will not permit me to release this pain. But it's been three months, and I am not really much better than I was then. Lately my husband wakes me up every morning, makes me tea or coffee, reminds me to brush my teeth. Yes, I am still in that stage. But I woke up this morning knowing I was not going to my appointment today because I knew I was just not going to get out of bed and go out into the real world. I just wanted to cocoon and distract myself. 

This state has been hard for me to exist in. And yes, I have considered the not-existing option. Sometimes I still do, albeit a bit more fleetingly since I have reached a "therapeutic dose" of all these new medicines coursing through my body. Keeping me alive, even against my own will. But mostly the things I think about scare me, and keep me wanting to stay in the relative safety of my bedroom. Some days I have good days, like normal days where you get up, your mood isn't terrible, you get dressed and ready for the day without any cheerleading, and then maybe you have the emotional capacity to actually get a few things done. Schoolwork, housework, therapy. I'm doing a lot of therapy but have to do that even on my bad days. Sometimes the bad days are perfect for therapy because on my good days I find myself doing anything to distract me from my pain. Because that's how much I want to feel something good. But I know it cannot go on like this. I have a lot of work to do before I get better. I want to get better... but it is a daunting, sometimes overwhelming, task looming ahead of me. Why is it still so hard? Why isn't this easier? Why am I still having more bad days than good?

I used to fantasize about a "mid-life crisis." Some people seem to have so much fun with theirs... sports cars, safari's, sky diving, etc. When you don't know how something feels, you tend to romanticize it. Or, at least, I do. I'm sorry I coveted these experiences with some amount of jealousy, because, well, this hasn't been fun. I don't think this is exactly what one experiences with a mid-life crisis, as having a nervous breakdown is like...  running out of batteries, being completely broken, needing to reboot.

So... what the fuck AM I doing? 

Well first, I'm trying. Sometimes that means just getting through each day. I search my days for meaning and then I hang on to whatever meaning I find.

Second, I am doing the work. I started a grief in person support group where they teach you how to grieve and release that grief. This has, for many reasons, been a huge challenge for me. Mostly I have tried in my life to not show vulnerability, and as such never learned how to properly grieve. I have therapy appointments every two weeks until the end of March. I am blogging, and will try to do more of that because both my therapist and my grief group counsellors say that journaling is an important part of active recovery.

Third, I am trying to learn from other people. I am part of a sibling loss group on facebook, and it's been helpful to read that people feel the same things I do, which is a relief because this journey of grief is already so isolating as it is. Its also good for me to be able to share my experiences as well with a group of people who understand what I am feeling. What a sad club that is. However, I digress.

Fourth I am trying to do my school work. This has been particularly difficult for me as my brain fog, memory issues, and lack of executive functioning makes it quite hard to retain information. But I am trying. 

Fifth... I have a list of things to do. OK, maybe I have several lists - a larger to-do list for getting my life back together (whatever that means), a short term list (journaling, walking the neighbors dog, painting my bedroom)... and an everyday list of things I need to do. Everyday. 

1. Wake up at 8am
2. Brush/floss teeth
3. Wear clean underwear (implies doing some laundry as well)
4. Brush hair
5. Bathe/shower
6. Take medicine
7. Eat something healthy
8. Go outside (I am failing at this more than I would like)
9. Wash hair as needed

Also, as I get stronger and more able I have things I would like to be doing again. Going to the gym. Riding my bike. Reading for fun. Maybe being more social and making some new friends in my co-op. Maybe get a dog. Figuring out what my work life needs to be like. But these are all hopeful, next level, return to life, things for me. They seem a little out of reach for me at this moment in time. 

So although I appear to be a sad, human pile of dirty laundry most of the time, these are the things I am currently doing. I don't understand how I did everything I did before this happened. Family, work, volunteering, housework, friends, school, pets, outdoors, etc. It all seems impossible to me now.

Today I will be working on my presentation of Dead Vikki for my grief group. I present it on this Thursday. We are encouraged to only include one lost one (as we have 10 minutes each), so I chose Vikki as her death was my most recent and lead me closer to this breakdown, but really I feel the loss of two of my siblings, and my extreme fear that I will lose Kate as well, is really at the heart of all of this. 

Sibling loss is a hard one.