There You Are...

I visited you yesterday... at Mom's house. Weird to sit next to you in a ceramic urn... knowing you are in it. I sure hope you like that urn.

A Part of You Dies....

When someone you love is killed.

I wish we had just one more chance to make it right again.

One of Those Moments

Every once in a while I have a fleeting shock of sheer terror - where I think "It can't be true - he can't be dead" and I find my heart suddenly in my throat until the panic subsides. It lasts less than a second but long enough to make me wonder if that is how I really feel underneath it all and that my calm exterior is only a facade. Perhaps it is in moments that I am lost in a memory of you, when you seem real in my mind, that I don't think you are gone. But of course something then reminds me you are and then it happens.

I just had one of those moments. I wonder if other people go through this as well?

Six Years Later...

I still think about you, every day.

Miss you!

Wherever you are

Day 16 — A song that makes you cry

“Where Ever You Are”

I’ve hung a wish on ev’ry star

It hasn’t done much good so far

I can only dream of you

Wherever you are

I’ll hear you laugh

I’ll see you smile

I’ll be with you

Just for a while

But when the morning comes

And the sun begins to rise

I will lose you

Because it’s just a dream

When I open up my eyes

I will lose you

I used to believe in forever

But forever’s too good to be true

I’ve hung a wish on ev’ry star

It hasn’t done much good so far

I don’t know what else to do

Except to try to dream of you

And wonder if you’re dreaming too

Wherever you are

This song is from “Pooh’s Grand Adventure: The Search For Christopher Robin” released in 1997. I associate this with the death of Princess Diana, who died on August 31st of that year, but more recently the song has taken on new meaning for me.

This song illustrates how I feel about losing my little brother. With Pooh Bear’s words, there’s both a simple desperation of need and a more sobering realization that the situation is beyond his control even though he has literally done everything he thinks he can to affect the situation.

This song is full of childhood hope and I love the innocence of Pooh Bear. Wishing is what we do but when it doesn’t help he resorts to dreaming… the memories come easier in his dreams and he doesn’t feel so alone or abandoned - until he wakes up.

When he says “I used to believe in forever, but forever is too good to be true,” that’s the part that gets me every time. I feel bad that Pooh has to be faced with this loss of innocence and when he says (in such a defeated, exasperated voice) “I don’t know what else to do…” well, I know exactly how he feels.

I don’t know what else to do, except to try and dream of you…

Crossposted at ALLIE ON THE GO as part of the Tumblr 30 day challenge.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature’s first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

(by Robert Frost)

It Wasn't My Fault, Honest

Today is my brother's birthday. He would be turning 36 if he were still alive today.

Through no fault of his own my brother was born on my Uncle's birthday, which for the sake of ease became kind of a "family birthday." This meant my brother had to share his birthday every year. When I was pregnant with with Wesley our Uncle died unexpectedly and my brother realized that meant his birthday that year - his 19th birthday (which in BC is a big deal) - would be his day and he was really looking forward to the attention and festivities.

As I got closer to and then passed my due date (July 7) my brother became increasingly anxious, broody even. He was somewhat buoyed by the knowledge I would be induced before his birthday but even so the last thing he said to me before I left for the hospital that day was...

Don't you DARE have that baby on my birthday!

Well, I honestly tried very hard to give birth to Wesley as soon as I could, but it was not meant to be. Wesley entered the world exactly 1 hour and 58 minutes into my brother's coveted 19th birthday. He never said anything about it but I know that the birth of the first grandchild of the family eclipsed him on his day and every birthday there after. He grew to adore his nephew and I'm sure there was no need in his mind to forgive Wesley for stealing his birthday because if there was any fault to be had it was mine.

Happy Birthday Chris. It really wasn't my fault!

I See You

The expression on Raven's face in this picture is totally you. Raven has a lot of your mannerisms and often, for a fleeting moment in time, I see you there in her face.

It shocks me a little bit at first, but I like the experience of recognition and it brings back the memory of you. Alive is afoot!

Just the way you like it...

Some mail came today, addressed to "The Estate of the Late Christopher Perkins." I looked at it for a bit not being able to imagine what it could be. I was a little stunned by this insertion of you in my day - not that I don't think about you often, just not quite like this.

I opened it to discover that in April 2004, 4 months before you died, for some reason (most likely your perpetual lack of a stable address) Revenue Canada was unable to deliver your GST cheque to you and it was returned to them. So now (six years later) it belongs to your Estate.

I thought about what you might want me to do with it (once you got over the initial disappointment of not spending it yourself) and I think that I know. It's just about enough money to take us out to dinner to celebrate Wesley's graduation from his basic training - I know you would be so proud of him and if you were here you'd do it yourself. So that's what we are going to do with your money, we'll go out to dinner to toast Wes's graduation, sit as a family and remember you. And of course we will order you a cup of tea and put an enormous amount of sugar in it, just the way you like it.